There is something so oddly comforting about entering some Christian churches. Recently I took the opportunity to have a date with my mini-me to see her friend and family perform in their annual cantata. Though I do not consider myself Christian at this point in my life, the familiarity of being in a traditional Christian church is somewhat comfortable to me. Perhaps it is a reminder of a home that once was for me and it takes me back to some of those times throughout my life… I’m still pondering.

Since having a conversation with my husband about celebrating Christmas despite not being Christian, I have been reflecting on exactly what Christmas means to me. As a child, though I attended Christian church with some regularity, I always felt distant from the “reason for the season.” In retrospect, I think this has much to do with the fact that the Christian doctrine never fully resonated with me personally. I didn’t realize that at the time though. In fact, I continued to push myself to find something for me in Christianity and while dating the son of a preacher, I began attending church regularly throughout some of high school and in to college. I felt strong in my faith in a power greater than myself, but couldn’t really bring myself to worship any one individual for it. I realized over time that Christian ideals are just something that don't jive with me. I don’t argue with those who believe. For them, it is their path and I’m happy for them. I see and read about so many great teachers (including Jesus). I would be kidding myself to say I don’t miss the community of church – I do, but I can’t force myself in to a mold in which I do not fit. It just doesn’t feel right.

I digress. So thinking through the meaning of Christmas. I have always valued the feelings of joy and happiness present in this season, along with traditions which, for me, have included caroling and family. I am grateful to have some traditions and family and (a few) friends with which to share them.

I have been out of sorts lately, and I think it’s just the place at which I need to be for now, but I’m hoping the draw of this season jolts me back in to me. For me to be comforted by something so now far-removed from who I am brings me hope that I will once again align my focus to the importance of my life, and therefore continue to make great memories and do the work of my life’s purpose – to love and to mother.