"Throughout our lives, we'll each experience our days in many different ways. We'll feel scared, lost, and saddened about the road behind us. We'll feel passionate, exhilarated, and eager to travel the path ahead. We'll feel paralyzed with fear and uncertainty, unsure that our actions matter. We'll feel energized with hope and possibility, knowing full well they always do.

It's the same for all of us. We each live a constantly evolving experience, with highs so immense it may feel like flying, lows so deep it may feel like dying, and limitless shades in between. This is what it means to be human, for all of us. Loving ourselves won't change that we won't always love what's in front of us. It will, however, change how we treat ourselves in response to it and what we believe we can do with it.

Loving ourselves means knowing that we are the constant in all our experiences, and that's something worth appreciating. Because each of us has a powerful light that we can use for so much good. Somewhere underneath everything we've learned to doubt or detest, there's a formidable force of strength and beauty - a spark so bright it can light a path through even the darkest days, not only for ourselves, but also for others.

To access it, we need to look back at where we've been and choose to see our pain as fuel for strength and wisdom. We need to know that our imperfections are gifts, not curses, for without them there'd be no individuality, no journey, and no opportunities to help others who can relate. We need to see our mistakes as tools to keep moving forward - not he building blocks of what we are but rather steps to who we can become. And we need to see ourselves as the beautiful blend of both our strengths and weaknesses. Even if others choose to focus on the later. Even if we're tempted to think they're better than us. Even if we're afraid they might not value us when they see us for who we really are.

Every time our heart beats, we have a choice that can change the meaning of that beat: we can choose to see the worst in ourselves or decide to nurture the best. No matter where you've been, what you've done, or how many years you've lived, this second can change your life if you use it to believe in yourself. Because once you decide to believe - once you shift your perception from regret over who you've been, to faith in who are you - you dramatically change the potential of who you can be and what you can do. You transform your experience of every moment that follows. Instead of blaming yourself for everything that feels wrong, you start empowering yourself to create something that feels right.

This doesn't mean you'll never feel down on yourself. It doesn't mean you'll always feel confident and self-assured. It doesn't mean you'll always bounce back from failure, disappointment, or heartache with an immediate sense of optimism and hope. It means you'll eventually find your way home to a soothing place inside yourself where your own thoughts and beliefs reinforce that you will be just fine. It means you'll know more and more every day that no matter how you struggle, you deserve to enjoy as many of the moments as you can.

If ever that seems hard to believe - if you have trouble accessing your faith in yourself - remember you're not alone. Whatever you're going through, take comfort in knowing that someone else has been there, is there now, or will be there someday down the road. We're all in this together. Today, one of the people who shared a story in the book may have been helpful to you. One day, you may be there to shine a light for them, or possibly for me. We're all doing the best we can, for ourselves and each other. As someone who formerly spent years believing that I wasn't good enough, I propose we each decide that's something to be proud of."

-Lori Deschene, Tiny Buddha's Guide to Loving Yourself

Last night in a moment of clarity I had a realization. I have been fairly silent on this blog about the little bundle of joy I will be welcoming to the world in just about seven weeks. I have experienced the gamut of emotions associated with this event and pretty much every event that I've encountered or has replayed in my mind over the past seven months. What a ride it has been, but in the end I still know I am right where I am meant to be and she is meant to be my baby girl, and me her mom.

I digress, though. My realization as I have fully entered this seventh month of pregnancy is the metaphor for this stage being the 20th mile of a full 26.2 mile marathon. I know intellectually that the end is near, however, still not in full sight. I am depleting of energy and it is difficult to stomach sustenance at this point. Physical stamina is important, but mental strength is paramount here. Though tired, the core of me remains and the drive to see myself across the "finish line" will get me there. I have no doubt.

So while the two are very different experiences in my life for a multitude of reasons, they are very much the same. Having finished a full marathon (and perhaps previously giving birth to a baby girl), I know I will be well throughout the experience. I wouldn't be honest if I said that the unknown of welcoming a new life wasn't somewhat daunting to me, but I am as ready as I'll ever be to meet my tiniest mini-me. I love her so much already!

"It's just another day."

I can't tell you how many birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, and other special days I have made that statement. Over the past few years I realize that this statement was made in the past in concert with my humble personality. I continue to remain humble, however, I now realize just how much this statement belittled the meaning and symbolism behind some of the very important days I was labeling as unimportant. With this awareness, I have opened my eyes to the need of celebrating future special days and remembering their deeper meanings. I am grateful for the knowledge of this lesson.

"Challenging periods are our invitation to grow, to reorder at a higher level of expression. It's part of an eternal process of growth and evolution. As human beings, our evolution is one of consciousness, of developing a keener awareness of purpose and connection to the Divine, and thus to all of life.

Evolution doesn't eliminate challenges, but as we grow, our relationship to challenge becomes more nuanced. We learn to play. We notice disturbances in patterns and celebrate them as harbingers of growth. The less we resist, the more easily we navigate through unfamiliar territory.

We develop agility, flexibility, and openness. We become meaningful participants in life's ever-expanding expression. We develop new ideas and creative solutions to previously daunting problems. We learn to lean into the substrate of perfection to inspire us with new possibilities."

~Erika Luckett

And meaningful words. So very grateful to have saved an email which I re-read periodically and needed to revisit tonight. Just an excerpt but very telling of a friend who loved me unconditionally...

"I hope and pray that I did help you face and overcome your demons. But now you must move on. The world is a wonderful place, with many delightful surprises and much joy -- in even the most challenging of circumstances. Go and discover it all and help others who need your wisdom, grace and strength. Do so with full knowledge that I am so very proud of you, and will cherish the memory of your courage in taking this step for ever."

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your kind friendship over the years and across the distance. Your words will forever help to remind me that I am graceful, full of wisdom, and strong. Bless you for calling it out so directly and sharing it with me.

Intense emotion. From the joys and sorrows my mini-me experiences and shares with me on a daily basis to the brief months a soul needed me to help move him from his past by letting go and processing it to his future successful and happy life, I'm eternally grateful. For those experiences, no matter how hard they seemed or may seem at times, are the ones which provide me the fortitude to carry on. I'm going through some tough times emotionally right now and wish I could be stronger but when I think about where I've been and what I experience daily just by being a mom, friend, family member - I know I am strong. My flame is still burning - somewhere deep within. I thank the universe for allowing certain events and souls to make that flame grow and provide me with an appreciation for the times, like now, when it has faded somewhat. It burns and that is all that matters.

When I heard this song a few years back, all I could do was smile and think of my little one. I began singing this to her and we both fell in love. Now as we will soon welcome her little sister in to this world, she tells me this is HER song. Though she will have to share a lot with little sis, I will let her have this one all to herself.

You Were Born by Cloud Cult

You were born into a strange world.
Like a candle, you were meant to share  the fire.
I don't know where we come from, and I don't know where we go.
But my arms were made to hold you, so I will never let you go.
Cuz you were  born to change this life.
You were born to chase the light.
You were  born...

Love your mother, yeah she's s good one.
She'll build you armor; keep you warm as a hen.
The stars may fall and the rains may  pour,
But I will love you evermore.
You were born to make this  right.
You were born to chase the light.
You were born...

Oh my  precious, oh my love, when they come to take me,
I will hold you from  above.
I don't know why we're here, and I don't know how,
But I'm here  with you now, I am here with you now.
Cuz you were born to change this  life.
Cuz you were born to make this right.
Cuz you were born to chase  the light.

Finding fantastic reads like this one:

http://renee-robinson.com/a-letter-to-my-boys-the-real-reason-i-say-no-to-electronics-repost/

It is worth every minute it takes to read. I have regained clarity in to how I want to raise my own girls.

Growth. It's good for the soul.

Memories. They keep the past alive and you are able to choose which ones to relish in.

Health. It just feels good.

Contentment. It's priceless.

Healing. It's constant... can be a struggle, but so worthwhile to experience.

Love. It's my purpose. My only purpose.

At times of quiet, things become clear. This is intuitive to me, yet I tend to forget in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. I'm not really certain for the reasoning of the ebb and flow of forgetting and remembering, but I'm closer than ever to accepting it.

I chose this path very deliberately and although I may have been naïve to some of the intricacies, or perhaps just ignorant, I am here now and I have choices. I can live with a negative attitude or I can choose to turn my head to the negativity and look to the positive. How ironic (or maybe not) is it that in my darkest hours of life I was able to find the most positive parts of my spirit? Now that I have adjusted to my new norms and feel decent, the negative shadow parts of me are coming out to play. Honestly it's part of the reason I haven't posted in a while. I, too, find it hard sometimes to find inspiration when there's a lot going on - extra noise - in my life (positive or negative). I have had people ask me how, if I am such a spiritual person who appreciates so much, I still struggle at times. I think the answer is simple really. Life is a flow. A flow of constant information, education, adjustment, ups, downs, etc. To think that anyone is able to hold steady through the flow 100% of the time is preposterous. Hell, even boulders move when the earth shakes them enough. How could anyone expect anyone else to hold steady always and forever - even with a tried and true really strong faith? I know I just don't work like that...

And speaking of faith (while I'm tangential and can!)... I still have plenty of it despite this tough bump I'm encountering. Absolute faith in that my purpose is to love. I've realized (finally) that I go about it in all sorts of ways and that's okay, but I know I'm here to love and be kind to others and even myself. Being kind to myself may be the biggest task on the list for me but is certainly not impossible.

Getting back to my choices. How can I not choose to go the more positive side of the path? Explore and rediscover what's really important to me and live my life with my priority system straight vice floating through an existence. In the meantime, for the negative naysayers I caution that I may no longer allow myself time to be in your presence. This is self-preservation only. I'm easily influenced by negative energy and I know it. It pulls me away from my true purpose and leaves me where I keep finding myself in the middle of the night - not at rest. It's time for me to redirect back to light and love for myself and my children.

So here's to looking up to the light, smiling, laughing, feeling joy, helping others to feel their joy, and loving even if those around me are on a different page. This is MY life. I am in control and I choose to make myself a happier me.

Generous friends. I always knew I had them, but over the past few months it has really become apparent to me. I have quite a few friends just giving me things to use as I begin the next chapter of my life. I always offer money but no one will take it - they tell me they are happy someone else can use the stuff and to pay it forward. I will GLADLY do so. The universe works in great ways.

Love. This theme is recurring to me through many sources lately. I'm reading a book entitled, "Only Love is Real", I just finished a documentary about yoga and it's meaning and many of the contributors indicated that our true life's purpose is to love, and I've read a few magazine articles about it too. It can't be a coincidence that this theme repeats itself to me as my life is shifting and transforming in more ways than one. It is fascinating to me that something so simple and something I've known for more than a few years is dangling itself in front of the face of my mind saying, "Hey! Remember me?" I am so very grateful for all these reminders as they will continue to contribute to a healthy and positive me. Thank you, universe. Namaste.

Gorgeous weather. I'm pretty sure it's been a source of inspiration to me previously, but today it was stellar. I walked outside and enjoyed everything from the warm sun on my face to the birds chirping. So very grateful for all the good in my life currently and what is to come. I am content and very much at peace.

News. Tonight I received one of the strangest phone calls I've ever received in my life. It was from my mom who proclaimed nothing was wrong per say, but that she had some news to tell me. She first asked me if I remembered my grandparent's two best friends, a couple who we will call Bob and Sally. I replied, yes of course. Those two couples were inseparable! Well, apparently Bob shot and killed Sally this morning and then killed himself. This information stopped me in my tracks. I very quickly traversed the depths of my mind thinking back on all the happy times I personally shared with the couple and the stories of other happy times I had heard from my grandparents over the years. After a few seconds my first question was, "were either of them sick?" The answer to that was that Bob was to start dialysis in the very near future. Come to find out, Bob and Sally had also recently sold their house and bought a condo on which they were to settle Friday. Their house was packed up with the appearance that they were ready to move to their new home. My next question was, "did they leave a note?" My mom did not think a note had been found as that was not relayed to her. My mom said she is really glad that my grandparents did not live to see this. I mentioned that somewhere somehow they knew this happened. Then my mom said she feels bad for Bob because he wouldn't be going "where the others have gone." The comment caught me off guard. I actually told her I disagreed because I know for a fact that my soul has lived previous lives and that I believe Bob may have a more difficult existence next time around but that he wouldn't be separated from the others... I got off the phone in a bit of a haze and tried to begin processing the information.

At 89 and 90 years old, Bob and Sally lived a fairly good life. They did not have any children by choice and made a decent, but simple life for themselves. I have a bunch of scenarios playing out in my mind over this situation. What if Bob wanted to spare Sally of the heartache of watching the man to whom she'd been married for close to 70 years go through dialysis and ultimately die? What if he talked about taking his own life because he didn't want to live a difficult existence and she said she didn't want to or wouldn't live without him? I highly doubt Bob had malicious intent, but what if he did not tell Sally of his plans to end both of their lives? What if the idea was Sally's but she knew she wouldn't have the heart to go through with the plan so she asked Bob to do it? There are so many what ifs, so many it could be this way or it could be that...

At face value, the situation appears to be a sad one but ultimately, if it is what they both wanted, maybe it's not so sad after all. What I do know is that I have no right to judge Bob or Sally over this situation. If there is a heaven and a hell as my mom suggests, I can't tell you where anyone goes. Can one act that appears to be evil be grounds for a soul to be forever condemned to hell? I have a hard time believing it. In fact, if it is the case - I will be going to hell too. However, I have a very different perspective to which I alluded earlier. I believe our souls are born and die and are reborn over and over again. Perhaps Bob, Sally, and even myself will have a slightly harder go of life next time around to learn the lessons we need to learn (if not already learned in this lifetime). Though I respect the opinions of others, I often wish minds were more open to varying ideas.

So while I process this information, I trust that my mind is open to loving and understanding the various types of love which may or may not drive people to do things our society considers immoral, evil, and unfair.

Warm weather. Good days. Comfort. Faith. Quiet. Love. Contentment. Peace.

Even though the sounds can be overpowering at times, I love hearing the sound of my girl and her friends playing together. I can tell they are in complete joy. :-)

Spring = new life. There's extra pep in my step just thinking about it! :-)

Good reading. I came across an excerpt from Brian Weiss' Same Soul, Many Bodies today that resonated very deeply with me:

"After Only Love is Real, my book about soul mates, came out, I received a letter from a woman that read, 'Well, I met my soul mate, but now I'm married. I have three children. He's married and has two children. Why didn't we meet when we were teenagers?'

Because destiny had a different plan. They were supposed to meet later. People come into our lives at certain times for various reasons having to do with lessons to be learned. It is not a coincidence that they didn't meet at a much earlier age when they did not have other commitments. I think the reason people meet later is to learn about love in many different ways and about how to balance this with responsibility and commitment. They'll meet again in a different lifetime. They must be patient."

That is profoundly moving to me. Perhaps it's because I come from the same camp as Dr. Weiss. Perhaps it's because I know exactly to that which he refers. Either way, I am grateful to have found this passage with which I can so deeply identify.

Transition. Not knowing what the future holds. Sometimes it is a demotivator, but for now I'm trying to keep it positive...

Grief. It is interesting because it's so dynamic and I find that I reflect a lot on the many lessons learned from the life and death of the important person (or in my case this time, doggie). While it's not fun, it is a necessary part of life and one that is so deeply moving.

Still missing my pup, but I know she is feeling better and her soul is, as my mini-me told me, "waiting to find the body of a new puppy to jump in to." Love you Millie girl.

My puppy girl, Millie. She was the epitome of unconditional love until the bittersweet end despite her many health issues. An email to my co-workers follows, posted here so I will not forget. May her soul be resting wherever she may be...

"Well, we took her in and she had lost another two pounds since Friday. Vet indicated that we could repeat the blood work and head in to a more aggressive treatment plan, but that may still have her in the horrible condition she was in within a couple of months. She was dehydrated too which, for a dog with kidney disease, is a huge problem as drinking extra fluids is the way they regulate themselves. Wasn't herself at all. She was pretty much catatonic all the way up to the point Mike came in to say his goodbyes and damn if she didn't stand up and wag her tail! I am glad she was able to say goodbye to me, Jayson, and Mike. Mike and I stayed with her until the end. We were both a mess. Jayson was too, but he didn't want to remember her lifeless... his last memory is her wagging her tail at all of us. I'm still pretty much beside myself but I know it'll get better in time. She is resting and no longer in pain and/or feeling badly."


Millie Senko: 9/28/02 - 1/21/14

Appropriate reading for today:

"Love is a universal power that has been called by many the supreme Good. The greatest teaching of Jesus was Love. He taught us to love one another - to love not only those who love us, but our enemies as well, even those who would hurt us. It is in these latter instances where we meet one of the most difficult challenges of life.

There is a conditioned human tendency to react with anger when we feel hurt. Our first impulse may be to say or do something hurtful in return, to retaliate. However, we learn as we evolve on the spiritual path that a reaction at the same level of the provocation can never be truly helpful or healing. We learn that only love can heal. When we remain centered in the knowledge that, as divine beings, Love is our true essence, we are guided not to react in anger but instead to allow the healing power of Love to express through us. In this way, we rise beyond discord and strife. We transcend disharmony.

Love renews and harmonizes. It uplifts and overcomes, and it brings forth the highest and best in each of us. To love is to expand into a life of greater paces, prosperity, and freedom. The universal power of Love always heals." ~Kathy Juline

Happy New Year! May the power of Love light your path and mine as we journey through our lives this 2014.