There is something so oddly comforting about entering some Christian churches. Recently I took the opportunity to have a date with my mini-me to see her friend and family perform in their annual cantata. Though I do not consider myself Christian at this point in my life, the familiarity of being in a traditional Christian church is somewhat comfortable to me. Perhaps it is a reminder of a home that once was for me and it takes me back to some of those times throughout my life… I’m still pondering.

Since having a conversation with my husband about celebrating Christmas despite not being Christian, I have been reflecting on exactly what Christmas means to me. As a child, though I attended Christian church with some regularity, I always felt distant from the “reason for the season.” In retrospect, I think this has much to do with the fact that the Christian doctrine never fully resonated with me personally. I didn’t realize that at the time though. In fact, I continued to push myself to find something for me in Christianity and while dating the son of a preacher, I began attending church regularly throughout some of high school and in to college. I felt strong in my faith in a power greater than myself, but couldn’t really bring myself to worship any one individual for it. I realized over time that Christian ideals are just something that don't jive with me. I don’t argue with those who believe. For them, it is their path and I’m happy for them. I see and read about so many great teachers (including Jesus). I would be kidding myself to say I don’t miss the community of church – I do, but I can’t force myself in to a mold in which I do not fit. It just doesn’t feel right.

I digress. So thinking through the meaning of Christmas. I have always valued the feelings of joy and happiness present in this season, along with traditions which, for me, have included caroling and family. I am grateful to have some traditions and family and (a few) friends with which to share them.

I have been out of sorts lately, and I think it’s just the place at which I need to be for now, but I’m hoping the draw of this season jolts me back in to me. For me to be comforted by something so now far-removed from who I am brings me hope that I will once again align my focus to the importance of my life, and therefore continue to make great memories and do the work of my life’s purpose – to love and to mother.

Letting go. No matter how seemingly easy (if avoiding) or difficult (if facing head on), it is right. Last night I went through my race bag from 2010, the year of 30 races. I had multiple shirts, bib numbers, trophies, and medals. I had no conscious idea I was not only physically holding on to these items but also mentally doing so and the act of sorting through the bag hit me harder than I anticipated. Through two moves and in preparation for a third, it is time to let go. I'll always treasure the memories and lessons learned from that experience....

Life is busy these days... back to work with mom duties too. Glad to be at it, but still finding a balance. I know this will take time, but it's well worth the time invested. Loving the joy my girls provide me daily, but never forgetting everything that brought me to where I am.

I recently read Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection. It's simple message resonates with me so deeply as I have been lately dealing with deep feelings and questions. Here are some quotes from the book that struck me. Enjoy and may you choose to be as authentic and true to yourself as possible each and every day. Namaste.

"Certainly, the people we love inspire us to heights of love and compassion that we might have never achieved otherwise, but to really scale those heights, we often have to go to the depths of who we are, light/shadow, good/evil, loving/destructive, and figure out our own stuff in order to love them better. So I'm not sure it's an either/or but a both/and. We love others fiercely, maybe more than we think we love ourselves, but that fierce love should drive us to the depth of our selves so that we can learn to be compassionate with ourselves." -Renee Cobb

"We don't change, we don't grow, and we don't move forward without the work. If we really want to live a joyful, connected, and meaningful life, we must talk about things that get in the way."

"Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen."

"You don't measure love in time. You measure love in transformation. Sometimes the longest connections yield very little growth, while the briefest of encounters change everything. The heart doesn't wear a watch - it's timeless. It doesn't care how long you know someone. It doesn't care if you had a 40-year anniversary if there is no juice in the connection. What the heart cares about is resonance. Resonance that opens it, resonance that enlivens it, resonance that calls it home. And when it finds it, the transformation begins."

~Jeff Brown

I am so grateful for all who have I encountered on my journey who have assisted me in my transformation. I am still very much in the process... I feel the shift in me as I grow and shed "layers" of the old me. Some days are good while others are hard, but at the end of each day I spend time identifying my gratitude, for it helps to bring me back to what is truly important. Love is not always the easiest thing to come by or give, but when I reflect on my life I will be able to say that I know what it is for me, and for that, I am grateful. Thank you!

Change. It really is the only constant in life. As I come up to my annual day of reflection, I have spent ample time reflecting in preparation! :-)

I am so very grateful for so much. I have been through so very much which brought me to this place, right where I know I am meant to be. That statement is so very deep and meaningful to me that I cannot even begin to convey the truth in the sentiment behind it. Suffice it to say, I brought life in to this world who I know with every single ounce of my being, I have known before. It is incredible... absolutely magical. No, everyday life is not perfect - in fact it is far from that, but when I am able to quiet the chatter in my mind, I can hear that internal voice saying, "yes, you are exactly where you meant to be." I'm so very much in love with my baby K and mini-me M and the lessons they teach me daily. It is a privilege to be a mommy to them.

Also still processing the past five years and all of the lessons learned over that time. There are too many to count. One of the biggest has been to get to know myself and my truth and live it every single day. Over time this has altered my core and although I'm a much less social person than I once was, I am able to fully account for my intentions and motivations all the time. Hindsight is 20/20 and things are so clear to me now that I wish I would have realized earlier, but that would have resulted in me being in a different place than I am right now which is where I know I want and need to be. The beauty is that I know am am fortunate enough to have experienced love in all kinds of forms. Just today I received a text message from my ex-husband that he is grateful for my continued friendship. Granted, some of the continuation of that friendship was forced by the link of our mini-me but it has stood the test of time and has even spilled over in to a friendship between my husband and my ex (yes, to the tune of them riding bikes together sometimes!). I sit in amazement over the way life has turned out sometimes. If you would have asked me at 21 how my life would be when I was 35, I would have given such a different answer than how my life has turned out. Despite that, I bring myself to gratitude for the way it is.

Thank you universe for bringing me here and continuing to challenge me to really know myself. And thank you to any and all who may find and read this post. Namaste.