Annual day of reflection for me (as if I don't continually reflect - ha!). It turned out to be a really busy but fairly decent day, I suppose. I've been struggling at work a bit, and I've been seeking clarity for myself about what is next for me. I'm getting close to figuring it out. Funny how I had more figured out at the age of 22 than I do at the age of 26 plus a dozen (!) years, or so I thought... Priorities definitely shift with age and life circumstances, and the almighty dollar stops driving decisions after a certain point. I have a feeling this will be an exciting year for me. Last year depleted my energy and I'm ready to re-emerge ensuring I take care of myself and my family to the best of my ability (certainly acknowledging that will never be perfect, but great would be awesome!). I'm grateful for opportunities to grow and evolve. God knows I've learned a lot and have many lessons to go!

These lyrics resonate so deeply with me still. Sometimes I am reminded that unconditional love comes in many forms which may entail learning hard lessons or even loving quietly from a distance. It is so delicate but still so true.

Well wishes for safety always. Full engagement in the present. Lots and lots of love. Peace within. Eternal gratitude.

Prayers. Safety. Security. Gratitude. Genuine love. So good... so beautiful.

Hearing. Still. After all this time. 97

Life has been busy lately! No complaints, just constant priority-shifting... One thing I am grateful for, though, is that I have continued reading. I tackle this mainly while working out on the elliptical or walking on the treadmill but some reading (and exercise, for that matter) is better than none! :-)


My latest reading is from Chris Stedman's "Fatheist - How an Atheist  Found Common Ground with the Religious." It was truly inspiring to me. I am nearly compelled to write a letter to Mr. Stedman to thank him for his work, both in contributing to humanism and telling the world about it. I applaud him for sharing his story!


Several aspects of Chris' story appeal to me, but two passages in particular resonate with me and I will share here:

After reading a prayer to a patient, Marvin, who could not speak with whom he worked …

“I realized that though I couldn’t decipher why the prayer was so important to him, it was. It touched him in a profound way. And because I shared in this significant element of his life, our relationship was more honest and real. I could’ve found another staff member to do it, or I could’ve refused; it was well within my rights to say, “I’d rather not, Marvin.” But I realized that a relationship that didn’t account for this important piece of Marvin’s life was an incomplete one. Though I couldn’t fully comprehend the import of the prayer for him, sharing in it helped me understand him a bit more. Just as we had a communication barrier, this prayer was another difference between us. But like our different means of communicating, learning about our differences in this area brought us closer together.”

 “…it sounds like exactly what our world needs – people of all different stripes and convictions coming together to deal with things that matter, announcing our differences without fear, enthusiastically embracing our commonalities, and intentionally seeking out points of mutuality and understanding in the face of vastly different metaphysical commitments. The environment that IFYC (InterFaith Youth Core) worked to create has profoundly impacted my vision for a society in which people engage across lines of religious and nonreligious identity to improve the world through service…”

Chris later goes on to cite survey statistics regarding limited understanding of certain sects of life. His basic message is that although Americans admittedly have limited understanding of a variety of religious beliefs and gay lifestyles, in general they think of differences in a negative light. Chris drives home the point that by engaging everyone (knowledgeable or not), stereotypes will be deconstructed which will enhance protection and respect from others regardless of their backgrounds.


Though my spirituality and belief system is different from Mr. Stedman's, I agree with his rationale and goals for trying to make the world a better place harmoniously. I can't understand why people continue to fight to try to ensure that their beliefs are understood as "right" and, perhaps, the only way to believe. Maybe those folks are just trying to be heard and trying to open the door for others to share in their beliefs. For that, I respect them but do appreciate when those same people are open to understanding that my faith differs from theirs and that it deserves just as much respect.


At the end of the day (or beginning for me in today's case), I want to work for peace. Peace for all. And understanding. We've all had highs and lows, ebbs and flows, in life and all deserve to be respected equally. If we work together, this can be reality and in the meantime we can make the world a better place by serving all others. THAT is true inspiration!

There is something so oddly comforting about entering some Christian churches. Recently I took the opportunity to have a date with my mini-me to see her friend and family perform in their annual cantata. Though I do not consider myself Christian at this point in my life, the familiarity of being in a traditional Christian church is somewhat comfortable to me. Perhaps it is a reminder of a home that once was for me and it takes me back to some of those times throughout my life… I’m still pondering.

Since having a conversation with my husband about celebrating Christmas despite not being Christian, I have been reflecting on exactly what Christmas means to me. As a child, though I attended Christian church with some regularity, I always felt distant from the “reason for the season.” In retrospect, I think this has much to do with the fact that the Christian doctrine never fully resonated with me personally. I didn’t realize that at the time though. In fact, I continued to push myself to find something for me in Christianity and while dating the son of a preacher, I began attending church regularly throughout some of high school and in to college. I felt strong in my faith in a power greater than myself, but couldn’t really bring myself to worship any one individual for it. I realized over time that Christian ideals are just something that don't jive with me. I don’t argue with those who believe. For them, it is their path and I’m happy for them. I see and read about so many great teachers (including Jesus). I would be kidding myself to say I don’t miss the community of church – I do, but I can’t force myself in to a mold in which I do not fit. It just doesn’t feel right.

I digress. So thinking through the meaning of Christmas. I have always valued the feelings of joy and happiness present in this season, along with traditions which, for me, have included caroling and family. I am grateful to have some traditions and family and (a few) friends with which to share them.

I have been out of sorts lately, and I think it’s just the place at which I need to be for now, but I’m hoping the draw of this season jolts me back in to me. For me to be comforted by something so now far-removed from who I am brings me hope that I will once again align my focus to the importance of my life, and therefore continue to make great memories and do the work of my life’s purpose – to love and to mother.

Letting go. No matter how seemingly easy (if avoiding) or difficult (if facing head on), it is right. Last night I went through my race bag from 2010, the year of 30 races. I had multiple shirts, bib numbers, trophies, and medals. I had no conscious idea I was not only physically holding on to these items but also mentally doing so and the act of sorting through the bag hit me harder than I anticipated. Through two moves and in preparation for a third, it is time to let go. I'll always treasure the memories and lessons learned from that experience....

Life is busy these days... back to work with mom duties too. Glad to be at it, but still finding a balance. I know this will take time, but it's well worth the time invested. Loving the joy my girls provide me daily, but never forgetting everything that brought me to where I am.

I recently read Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection. It's simple message resonates with me so deeply as I have been lately dealing with deep feelings and questions. Here are some quotes from the book that struck me. Enjoy and may you choose to be as authentic and true to yourself as possible each and every day. Namaste.

"Certainly, the people we love inspire us to heights of love and compassion that we might have never achieved otherwise, but to really scale those heights, we often have to go to the depths of who we are, light/shadow, good/evil, loving/destructive, and figure out our own stuff in order to love them better. So I'm not sure it's an either/or but a both/and. We love others fiercely, maybe more than we think we love ourselves, but that fierce love should drive us to the depth of our selves so that we can learn to be compassionate with ourselves." -Renee Cobb

"We don't change, we don't grow, and we don't move forward without the work. If we really want to live a joyful, connected, and meaningful life, we must talk about things that get in the way."

"Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen."

"You don't measure love in time. You measure love in transformation. Sometimes the longest connections yield very little growth, while the briefest of encounters change everything. The heart doesn't wear a watch - it's timeless. It doesn't care how long you know someone. It doesn't care if you had a 40-year anniversary if there is no juice in the connection. What the heart cares about is resonance. Resonance that opens it, resonance that enlivens it, resonance that calls it home. And when it finds it, the transformation begins."

~Jeff Brown

I am so grateful for all who have I encountered on my journey who have assisted me in my transformation. I am still very much in the process... I feel the shift in me as I grow and shed "layers" of the old me. Some days are good while others are hard, but at the end of each day I spend time identifying my gratitude, for it helps to bring me back to what is truly important. Love is not always the easiest thing to come by or give, but when I reflect on my life I will be able to say that I know what it is for me, and for that, I am grateful. Thank you!

Change. It really is the only constant in life. As I come up to my annual day of reflection, I have spent ample time reflecting in preparation! :-)

I am so very grateful for so much. I have been through so very much which brought me to this place, right where I know I am meant to be. That statement is so very deep and meaningful to me that I cannot even begin to convey the truth in the sentiment behind it. Suffice it to say, I brought life in to this world who I know with every single ounce of my being, I have known before. It is incredible... absolutely magical. No, everyday life is not perfect - in fact it is far from that, but when I am able to quiet the chatter in my mind, I can hear that internal voice saying, "yes, you are exactly where you meant to be." I'm so very much in love with my baby K and mini-me M and the lessons they teach me daily. It is a privilege to be a mommy to them.

Also still processing the past five years and all of the lessons learned over that time. There are too many to count. One of the biggest has been to get to know myself and my truth and live it every single day. Over time this has altered my core and although I'm a much less social person than I once was, I am able to fully account for my intentions and motivations all the time. Hindsight is 20/20 and things are so clear to me now that I wish I would have realized earlier, but that would have resulted in me being in a different place than I am right now which is where I know I want and need to be. The beauty is that I know am am fortunate enough to have experienced love in all kinds of forms. Just today I received a text message from my ex-husband that he is grateful for my continued friendship. Granted, some of the continuation of that friendship was forced by the link of our mini-me but it has stood the test of time and has even spilled over in to a friendship between my husband and my ex (yes, to the tune of them riding bikes together sometimes!). I sit in amazement over the way life has turned out sometimes. If you would have asked me at 21 how my life would be when I was 35, I would have given such a different answer than how my life has turned out. Despite that, I bring myself to gratitude for the way it is.

Thank you universe for bringing me here and continuing to challenge me to really know myself. And thank you to any and all who may find and read this post. Namaste.

"Throughout our lives, we'll each experience our days in many different ways. We'll feel scared, lost, and saddened about the road behind us. We'll feel passionate, exhilarated, and eager to travel the path ahead. We'll feel paralyzed with fear and uncertainty, unsure that our actions matter. We'll feel energized with hope and possibility, knowing full well they always do.

It's the same for all of us. We each live a constantly evolving experience, with highs so immense it may feel like flying, lows so deep it may feel like dying, and limitless shades in between. This is what it means to be human, for all of us. Loving ourselves won't change that we won't always love what's in front of us. It will, however, change how we treat ourselves in response to it and what we believe we can do with it.

Loving ourselves means knowing that we are the constant in all our experiences, and that's something worth appreciating. Because each of us has a powerful light that we can use for so much good. Somewhere underneath everything we've learned to doubt or detest, there's a formidable force of strength and beauty - a spark so bright it can light a path through even the darkest days, not only for ourselves, but also for others.

To access it, we need to look back at where we've been and choose to see our pain as fuel for strength and wisdom. We need to know that our imperfections are gifts, not curses, for without them there'd be no individuality, no journey, and no opportunities to help others who can relate. We need to see our mistakes as tools to keep moving forward - not he building blocks of what we are but rather steps to who we can become. And we need to see ourselves as the beautiful blend of both our strengths and weaknesses. Even if others choose to focus on the later. Even if we're tempted to think they're better than us. Even if we're afraid they might not value us when they see us for who we really are.

Every time our heart beats, we have a choice that can change the meaning of that beat: we can choose to see the worst in ourselves or decide to nurture the best. No matter where you've been, what you've done, or how many years you've lived, this second can change your life if you use it to believe in yourself. Because once you decide to believe - once you shift your perception from regret over who you've been, to faith in who are you - you dramatically change the potential of who you can be and what you can do. You transform your experience of every moment that follows. Instead of blaming yourself for everything that feels wrong, you start empowering yourself to create something that feels right.

This doesn't mean you'll never feel down on yourself. It doesn't mean you'll always feel confident and self-assured. It doesn't mean you'll always bounce back from failure, disappointment, or heartache with an immediate sense of optimism and hope. It means you'll eventually find your way home to a soothing place inside yourself where your own thoughts and beliefs reinforce that you will be just fine. It means you'll know more and more every day that no matter how you struggle, you deserve to enjoy as many of the moments as you can.

If ever that seems hard to believe - if you have trouble accessing your faith in yourself - remember you're not alone. Whatever you're going through, take comfort in knowing that someone else has been there, is there now, or will be there someday down the road. We're all in this together. Today, one of the people who shared a story in the book may have been helpful to you. One day, you may be there to shine a light for them, or possibly for me. We're all doing the best we can, for ourselves and each other. As someone who formerly spent years believing that I wasn't good enough, I propose we each decide that's something to be proud of."

-Lori Deschene, Tiny Buddha's Guide to Loving Yourself

Last night in a moment of clarity I had a realization. I have been fairly silent on this blog about the little bundle of joy I will be welcoming to the world in just about seven weeks. I have experienced the gamut of emotions associated with this event and pretty much every event that I've encountered or has replayed in my mind over the past seven months. What a ride it has been, but in the end I still know I am right where I am meant to be and she is meant to be my baby girl, and me her mom.

I digress, though. My realization as I have fully entered this seventh month of pregnancy is the metaphor for this stage being the 20th mile of a full 26.2 mile marathon. I know intellectually that the end is near, however, still not in full sight. I am depleting of energy and it is difficult to stomach sustenance at this point. Physical stamina is important, but mental strength is paramount here. Though tired, the core of me remains and the drive to see myself across the "finish line" will get me there. I have no doubt.

So while the two are very different experiences in my life for a multitude of reasons, they are very much the same. Having finished a full marathon (and perhaps previously giving birth to a baby girl), I know I will be well throughout the experience. I wouldn't be honest if I said that the unknown of welcoming a new life wasn't somewhat daunting to me, but I am as ready as I'll ever be to meet my tiniest mini-me. I love her so much already!

"It's just another day."

I can't tell you how many birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, and other special days I have made that statement. Over the past few years I realize that this statement was made in the past in concert with my humble personality. I continue to remain humble, however, I now realize just how much this statement belittled the meaning and symbolism behind some of the very important days I was labeling as unimportant. With this awareness, I have opened my eyes to the need of celebrating future special days and remembering their deeper meanings. I am grateful for the knowledge of this lesson.

"Challenging periods are our invitation to grow, to reorder at a higher level of expression. It's part of an eternal process of growth and evolution. As human beings, our evolution is one of consciousness, of developing a keener awareness of purpose and connection to the Divine, and thus to all of life.

Evolution doesn't eliminate challenges, but as we grow, our relationship to challenge becomes more nuanced. We learn to play. We notice disturbances in patterns and celebrate them as harbingers of growth. The less we resist, the more easily we navigate through unfamiliar territory.

We develop agility, flexibility, and openness. We become meaningful participants in life's ever-expanding expression. We develop new ideas and creative solutions to previously daunting problems. We learn to lean into the substrate of perfection to inspire us with new possibilities."

~Erika Luckett

And meaningful words. So very grateful to have saved an email which I re-read periodically and needed to revisit tonight. Just an excerpt but very telling of a friend who loved me unconditionally...

"I hope and pray that I did help you face and overcome your demons. But now you must move on. The world is a wonderful place, with many delightful surprises and much joy -- in even the most challenging of circumstances. Go and discover it all and help others who need your wisdom, grace and strength. Do so with full knowledge that I am so very proud of you, and will cherish the memory of your courage in taking this step for ever."

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your kind friendship over the years and across the distance. Your words will forever help to remind me that I am graceful, full of wisdom, and strong. Bless you for calling it out so directly and sharing it with me.

Intense emotion. From the joys and sorrows my mini-me experiences and shares with me on a daily basis to the brief months a soul needed me to help move him from his past by letting go and processing it to his future successful and happy life, I'm eternally grateful. For those experiences, no matter how hard they seemed or may seem at times, are the ones which provide me the fortitude to carry on. I'm going through some tough times emotionally right now and wish I could be stronger but when I think about where I've been and what I experience daily just by being a mom, friend, family member - I know I am strong. My flame is still burning - somewhere deep within. I thank the universe for allowing certain events and souls to make that flame grow and provide me with an appreciation for the times, like now, when it has faded somewhat. It burns and that is all that matters.

When I heard this song a few years back, all I could do was smile and think of my little one. I began singing this to her and we both fell in love. Now as we will soon welcome her little sister in to this world, she tells me this is HER song. Though she will have to share a lot with little sis, I will let her have this one all to herself.

You Were Born by Cloud Cult

You were born into a strange world.
Like a candle, you were meant to share  the fire.
I don't know where we come from, and I don't know where we go.
But my arms were made to hold you, so I will never let you go.
Cuz you were  born to change this life.
You were born to chase the light.
You were  born...

Love your mother, yeah she's s good one.
She'll build you armor; keep you warm as a hen.
The stars may fall and the rains may  pour,
But I will love you evermore.
You were born to make this  right.
You were born to chase the light.
You were born...

Oh my  precious, oh my love, when they come to take me,
I will hold you from  above.
I don't know why we're here, and I don't know how,
But I'm here  with you now, I am here with you now.
Cuz you were born to change this  life.
Cuz you were born to make this right.
Cuz you were born to chase  the light.

Finding fantastic reads like this one:

http://renee-robinson.com/a-letter-to-my-boys-the-real-reason-i-say-no-to-electronics-repost/

It is worth every minute it takes to read. I have regained clarity in to how I want to raise my own girls.